sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
