I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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