If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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