I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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