Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
