just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
