I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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