Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
