Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
