You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is the high leading the old right now
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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