And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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