My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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