why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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