Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
