Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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