I wish I could teleport
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize