just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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