I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
honey bunches of taint.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
