ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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