You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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