Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
