forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
