omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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