matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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