It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
