i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize