ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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