I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
