note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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