I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
