his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
