so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
