I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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