well you can't waste a boner
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
