Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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