You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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