Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
