Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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