I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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