Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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