Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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