he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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