I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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