Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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