He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have feelings that need drinking.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
