I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
