I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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