You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize