no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i think i just lost a toe
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
