This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
