Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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