You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
