i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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