i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
