if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
