Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
