I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
