just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize