Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
